LIVING IS FOR THE DEAD

I judged the distance , we appeared so close but I was light years away. The doctor told me its very normal ,oh very normal indeed. I was crying in a cupboard of my youth in the dark hoping that somehow this would all end. I begged and prayed to you God , I prayed and prayed but nothing .......just that very familiar silence. Turning the keys in the ignition and hearing the motor start I could feel the wild freedom of speed. I was going to move away from where I was and that meant so much. I sped without a thought for the lives of others, pfffft., the lives of others. what funny words. I sped as fast as I could down the long highway till I saw a girl and I stopped. again I was still. I felt the pains begin again. I was so tired of the pain . the purpose of movement is to find repose. i find a mad stilllness and a sad stillness. i looked over at where the girl had been but she had moved on.
It was windy and dark I struggled to large tree, and stood by it close by and breathed heavily. at it. its branches swayed sweetly in the wind the wind through the leaves made me feel it. that feeling i was searching for. it felt right because it was nature and instinct and nothingness whispering itself to me and I understood, i UNDERSTOOD ALL IS NOTHING., I spent the rest of the black night under the tree smiling and wishing the sun would never rise but it fucking did,. and I was furious. the  wind stopped aND then it began. Them humans and their lives. Traffic jAMS, office zombies,polite drones that I fear and hate. I know that I must keep moving  moving moving because theyre evrywhere and I know I know from the very bottom of my honest soul they do not live but brerathe aN AIR SO FOUL i must find a place to hide far away. I know they are dead, why do I live?How do you die like they do without noticing. I want them all to die, I know the fire will come and  they will eat themselves and I will happily watch them all burn in the Apocalyptic fires. oh what a lovely day oh what a wonderful day it would be.

I am Unwell

I am unwell. Blocked and black.  Heartbroken and cracking in the head.

The dreams of death keep returning.

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the stare

It was the last time  and the last fucking chance. All his shots at utopia had failed miserably. An inkling. Tiny but sure niggled in his gut. "I can do this. Not I must but I can ,not can now but I fucking will. I will do it. I must its the last time. No not must. I can. I will!" He is taken over.

He picks up the ball. Focusing on the basket. Attempting correction for all possible outcomes, once twice and now again. He finally looks hard and fast at the basket. Looks down at the ball. This time in minutae careful measurement he raises his torso and lifts the arms in one perfect motion eyes bulge open and he takes the shot.

In slow motion. The balls parabolic trajectory seems to be right on the mark , it slowly spins through the tense air. The shot is on track as it approaches the basket.

Very slow motion. The ball very slowly reaches the hoop.  it is going in. There is even a hint of a smile in the boy.  The ball is going in. its going in!!
But a shudder deep and celestial reverberates and chills their bones and cracks the walls and shakes the hoop.
"What was that then?"
" Ive seen this once before ' a greybeard announces.
" The Void Smiles At The Boy!"
He has missed the shot.

Three days Later 

Midnight Storms blow heavily across the fields and the oceans redblooded rage against the shore.
Masses of people herdlike tread towards the ocean cliffs against the gales, inanimate and mechanically.   The first lines of the herds approach the cliff and suddenly stop.
The boy is there at the very front. He alone steps to the very edge of the abyss. He raises his head into the gale and stares out into the vast horizon. It is a beautiful sight. He breathes in the heavy waves of air blowing . The redblood sea shines like a luminous grand spectacle. The bloodlight reflects in his eyes and cheeks.
A sudden great loud yawn causes them all to press hands to ears. 
Near the bottom of the cliff exactly below the boy a whirlpool of black nothing begins to swirl. Its edges rise  up the cliff. The swirl of nothing black as midnight seems to hover and sneer at the boy. It looks at the herds and smiles. Somehow eyes form upon  the VOId and turning to the boy he is  forced to stare at them. The boy terrified looks away. For some reason he begins to calm and he finally turns to The VOID. The Void And the Boy just stare at each other, not in anger but in some kind of wrestle.  The hordes look up from their hypnotic state in great wonderment at what is taking place.
The Boy no longer fearful even a little  confident begins to try and stare down the eyes of the Void. A mistake boy. Wrong my son. The Void wanted this to happen. A monstrous and hideous laugh is excreted by the VOID when the Boy seems to have got too confident. The Void stares at the boy with fury and the boy in complete terror averts them again.
The Void moves away from the cliff and slips down into the ocean. It spreads out into a very wide circle. All Attempts at Utopia have failed. Now the hordes can only wish for their own destruction. They need no reason. The boy first and the most pained of all takes his time then falls into the Abyss that is there before him. A pause. Then in lines  the rest of the human race in tread towards their destiny.
To finally drop into the Smiling Void and Be free of Existence forever.

Arvo Pärt - Spiegel Im Spiegel!

Adagio For Strings

MY DEAR LADY- redux

He flicked his long brown fringe out of his left blue eye. He looked to the heavens for a repreive from the devastation and apocalypse engorging itself on his perception. Around he scanned to make sure he was alone . He knew the people had gone but when. He had to make sure. Yes . He was alone. He screamed like  Fury.
Dropped . The sand like Valium was frozen. Damn deserts.
Turned his gaze to the sky. Holy Lord he saw implosions of blue atmosphere, levels of placental pure azure  enfolding in upon itself.  Swirls of clouds immersed itself in  explosive collapse. He flicked back his fringe again. Rubbed his eyes. "MY GOD!"  What happened? Did I do something ?  What was it that I did?  A certain unwanted stubborn type of guilt began to seep up his spine and into his cancerous bowels.

The sun was setting blown out of all proportion . Its size equaling the planet.  No heat though. Just blinding light. blood orange.  Like flesh and blood. Eyelid skin felt  melting in the light.

The sky was now vermillion . Yes  bloodred.  Like a sickening deadly heartbreak. 
Half the world was now in night.
Weighed down by colossal shame with his last ounce of inner strength he looked to the West horizon.
What?!  Another !  Wings of aN Angel?!! 
He rubbed his blurring eyes.
A silhouette of a mighty outstretched angel .  Angel of the West
Each time he had the strength to look up  she seemed closer until she finally stood monolithic before him.
His soul howled.
To himself whispered " My fucking God it is her she has come to destroy me. Why?  Why did I fuck with the laws of True Love?  Why did I ?  Why??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A voice, more heavenly and beautiful than Light whispered " I was sent for. I will not destroy you. Forgive yourself."

The man looked up to the angel, her eyes.  She was her. He broke her heart. Its HEr!!!!!!!!!!  His Tears flowed forth. His sobbing resounded throughout the universe.  He cried till all his water gone. " forgive me!!"

The Angel voice whispered " I forgive you.   .....  I love you."

Tears of blood waterfalled upon the sand.  HE smiled and howled " MY DEAR LADY"

Collapsed in black  and dead.  A dead smile. 

The angel lifted the guilt filled corpse and flew to the Sun.